Autism Masking & Internalized Stigma
Come on in! It's time to talk about mental health. If you aren't familiar with masking, it's a method used by many autistic individuals to disguise the fact they have autism in order to blend in and be accepted by society. This may look like laughing when everyone else in the group laughs even if you don't understand the joke, maintaining eye contact even though it's uncomfortable, suppressing urges to fidget; any behavior that could indicate the possibility of autism. It's especially common among young autistic women. I have no doubt that has to do with the disproportionate amount of pressure society has always put on woman to look and act a certain way. And I've found that when people are put in a box for long enough, it can be frightening to see other people breaking free. Because the box is what has been keeping you safe—at least that's what you've been told.
I’ve been wanting to write about the internalized stigma that exists within the mental health community for a long time. I also happen to have my favorite reality competition show Survivor on my mind since season 51 premiered this week. If you don’t already know, I’m a huge fan of the show Survivor. I go to watch parties, I show friends old seasons, I reenacted the season 40 fire making challenge as part of my senior acting thesis. I even applied to be on the show a few weeks ago on a whim.
In honor of the excellent season 51 premiere, I wanted to rewind a few seasons back to talk about a Eva Erickson, a Survivor contestant from season 48 who was an inspiration to countless people worldwide, including myself.
Proceed cautiously if you don’t want
spoilers for Survivor season 48
Eva Erickson — Playing Survivor with Autism
Eva was super open in private confessionals to the camera that she has ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder), that it affects her every day life, that she knows it could very well be a detriment to her game because Survivor relies heavily on picking up on social cues. She shared her autism diagnosis with only one other person on her tribe, Joe Hunter, because she needed an ally in the game who understood her brain is wired differently in case she needed help. And in a heartwarming moment during the premier of season 48 (I cried watching It live), Joe vowed he would be there for her no matter what: “What if my daughter was here in that situation? I have made a decision. She's with me. I got her” (Joe Hunter).
Here’s a clip of it, it’s super emotional:
Later on in the season, she was the last one from her tribe that needed to complete the table maze guaranteeing none of them would go home that night. She kept messing it up, panicking, getting furious at herself, and pushing through tears. Finally she managed to complete the maze, winning the challenge and immunity for her tribe.
But all of the pressure caused her to have what she refers to as “an episode”. It wasn’t a panic attack, but it somewhat resembled one with symptoms like hyperventilating, crying, and the inability to bring herself out of it and get grounded. Even though the challenge was over and she won for her tribe, she was still in a state of panic. It looked to me as both a viewer and a trauma survivor that her body and mind were stuck in a fear state even though the scary thing (almost letting her team down) was over. Adrenaline may have carried her through the challenge, but when it ended, it looked like her whole system could suddenly feel the effects of how hard she was pushing herself. And let's not forget she was physically and mentally exhausted from living on an island for days with little sleep and almost nothing to eat.
Joe, who was now on a different tribe from Eva due to a swap, was allowed by host Jeff Probst to leave his tribe's mat to help her calm down, something that isn't normally allowed. With Joe's help, she was able to come down from her episode, and when she did she opened up to the entire cast of the season about her struggles with autism. This was one of the most emotional moments on reality television in a long time. Even people who didn’t usually watch Survivor were talking about Eva and Joe and this moment that transcended the game:
Fan Reactions to Eva
Now I love watching a Survivor season live. It's exciting! I consume all sorts of Survivor related content all week while I wait for it to be Wednesday night–Youtube podcasts trying to predict the winner, Instagram posts from current and past contestants, and yes… Reddit. I spend an egregious amount of time every week on r/survivor. And I usually love being a part of the online Survivor community. But during Survivor 48, it became a dark and cold place for me. The way people were talking about Eva online was upsetting to say the least.
People online were mad at her for bringing up her autism too much. People were mad at the way she spoke too bluntly at times. People were mad at her any time she made what they considered a “dumb move” strategically yet continued to progress further in the game. When she wasn't masking, people got upset. Every week, comments telling her to shut up about her autism because it's all she ever talks about (God knows how much I'd be talking about my OCD while I'm dirty on an island surrounded by other dirty people where the only thing to eat most days is coconut and coconut is yucky). I remember scrolling through post after post, comment after comment hating on Eva, her autism, and the way she was playing the game.
And I had to ask myself: Why? Why are casual viewers of the show so moved by Eva’s story while this more niche online crowd of dedicated Survivor fans are giving her so much hate? And I think the answer may have to do with internalized stigma within the mental health community.
I won't make any blanket statements about Survivor fans, but I'll speak to my own experience—the majority of fans I've met have some kind of mental health struggle. I've spoken to plenty of self proclaimed Survivor superfans at watch parties, and conversations about our love for the show often pivot into a discussion on how we both struggle with our mental health but we find community and joy in Survivor. It's quite a lovely form of human connection, actually. Interactions like that have grown so scarce.
But not every fan goes to watch parties. A lot of us struggle silently while finding community online from the safety of our bed behind a screen. It wouldn't surprise me if some of these hate commenters were people with autism or mental health struggles themselves who never had the freedom to talk about it. Who were punished for talking about It. Who were forced to mask in order to fit in. People who were made to believe not masking is an actual safety concern. I wonder if the hate she got from these superfans was an outward manifestation of the hate they were told they should feel towards their own disability. Perhaps seeing the way she played the game so boldly and unapologetically made some hate commenters feel anger because they were never allowed to be that bold; never allowed to be themselves. I bet people were rubbed the wrong way when they saw Eva on national television, on Survivor, doing all of the things they were told they couldn't do if they wanted to survive.
I may or may not have some form of autism. It runs in my family. But it's also unclear because the overlap is so heavy with some of my known diagnoses. People have joked throughout my life when I do something they deem “autistic”. Maybe poke fun at me for my food orders or my hyper-fixations. It usually comes from friends I know have their own mental health struggles who just enjoy that kind of humor. I was never able to find it funny though because I grew up seeing every day with my brother how autism can debilitate someone.
And it hurts me to think that people saw Eva Erickson, a young woman with a serious cognitive disability, thriving in the game of Survivor while openly discussing her condition, and they reacted first with hate. What would happen if we could be inspired by her success rather than threatened by it? Rather than made to feel like a failure for having the same or similar conditions and not achieving the same success (spoilers: she placed 2nd overall). I want to carry this value with me as I find my way in this industry. I want to uplift the artists telling the stories I want to tell. I want to collaborate and create, not constantly compare.
I for one am very inspired by Eva Erickson—I think we can all stand to listen closer to people living with ASD and other mental health conditions when they speak up. And I hope we can be more aware of those moments we may be projecting stigma we feel towards ourselves onto another. Because it hurts real bad. Especially when it comes from a friend.
I'm glad it seems Eva is living her best life right now despite all the hate she got back when season 48 was airing. She is an avid hockey player, a PhD student, and she continues to do work in advocacy on her socials and as an ambassador for The Neurodiversity Alliance. I am so grateful to have witnessed her Survivor journey. Thank you Eva for the Inspiration. <3
Well, as Jeff would say: I got nothing else for you.
Thanks for reading! And remember... we're all survivors here.
Emery :)
Wonderful article! You and Eva are both an inspiration!
Thank you for this insightful article, which may have been as difficult for you to write as it was for Eva to win her Survivor challenge. You are both inspirations!